By Michael Ritchie
HAVANA TIMES – By now we’re all aware of the charges flying around the world that United States diplomats— and lately even casual tourists— may have been victims of scurrilous “sonic attacks” which left them near-deaf and near-daft.
Lately there have even been unsubstantiated reports that casual tourists visiting such hotels as the Capri and Hotel Nacional may have been victimized as well.
In a shoot-from-the-hip reaction, the Trump administration has withdrawn the majority of its diplomatic service people from its Embassy and dismissed most Cuban diplomatic workers from their Embassy in the U.S. It also issued a warning to U.S. tourists that they should avoid travel to Cuba as a result of the attacks.
An audio tape was released recently which allegedly sounds to some victims exactly like what they heard in the U.S. Embassy and in some of their homes. What it really sounds exactly like is a group of giant love-struck crickets on steroids.
President Raul Castro has denied any Cuban involvement in the alleged attacks. In an unprecedented move, he even invited the FBI into his country to investigate.
To date, neither the FBI, the Cuban government nor anyone else has found the party or parties responsible for the enigmatic “attacks.”
One huge question remains for this observer: Why have no Cubans been victims of the attacks?
I have an answer.
Cubans are not stupid. In fact, they’re quite clever. They’re taught, even as young pioneers, to avoid large gatherings of love-struck crickets on steroids— if they want to grow up to be like Che.
Which is why, years ago, when a chamber maid at the home of a U.S. diplomat heard such a ruckus when she was cleaning the toilet, she immediately removed the toilet seat and discarded it. On the underside of the item in question, she noticed an inscription which read: Made by the CIA.
Which, obviously, explains a lot.
Word of the “rigged” attack toilet seats spread among the chamber maid’s friends. And as a result, when you travel to Havana you’ll notice that there is a dearth of toilet seats. You won’t find them at José Marti International Airport. You won’t find them in some restaurants and bars.
Clever Cubans removed them wherever they had been installed.
So when you are looking to use the facilities in some Cuban establishments and think of complaining that there’s no toilet seat, think again. Be grateful that you’ve been spared near-deafness and near-daftness.
My theory will, of course, be denied by the CIA and by the United States government. Such denials, however, won’t be worth the toilet paper they’re written on.